Cold Determination Read online

  After school the next day, Peter asked if we shouldn’t save some of our pennies for Mama instead of spending it on our sweets. Peter pointed out my shoes were worn through. His shoes were worn through at the toe and his arms stuck far past the sleeves of his coat. We had to give up our candy.

  Throughout the next few weeks, we were able to save twelve cents. Mama couldn’t hold her tears back when we presented her with our savings. She clung to us and her shoulders shook. Peter and I were amazed at her emotion. After all, we were busy each day with school and our afternoon adventures, we couldn’t have known too much of our mother’s day or what a family like ours costs. That night, though she didn’t use words, Peter and I felt that biting reality deep in our stomachs again. Mama never shared her daily struggles with us, but we knew how hard she worked. She began each day before sun up and finished well after dark. Her arms were strong from all the washing she did but she was thin from lack of food. Dark circles framed her eyes, and her clothes grew thinner by the day.

  Mama faced her own demons of worry and stress knowing there was little more we could do to free us of our desperate situation. She never complained but she had to be lonely. Sheridan was a fine, booming city in the north, but her only family lived far enough away that we never saw them. She made friends with the other women at work and never deviated from her daily tasks. She had no other choice but simply to wake and work each day. No one hugged her fears or worries away and no one shared her concerns.

  One night, an especially cold night, I noticed Mama looking around our room. Her eyes hardened. She knew we would not survive in such cold all winter. She clung to us that night and I felt safer than ever, just by her touch. I could hear Rosa, just outside our window, purring away, my brother breathing so deeply, and my heart was content as it could be. My belly was full of food and even though we all missed our old life very much, I found contentment that night.

  The day after, it was a Tuesday, and we saw the first frost covering the ground on our way to school. Miss Kate served our breakfast and we could taste the extra sugar she had added to our porridge. She even warmed our milk.

  After breakfast, we walked quickly to school even though we were not excited to sit all morning. Ms. Fink was stern but nice. We just didn’t want to sit. I was happy with my learning though. I was reading better and my math skills were improving. Ms. Fink had complimented me just yesterday on my hard work.

  It was a fine day, hard and cold. Thankfully, the sun was shining and warmed the earth a little. Peter and I hurried up to our school and through the door and found our seats. Peter hadn’t said a word the entire way, he looked deep in thought, and Rosa and I didn’t bother him.

  After school, Peter and I ran to check our traps. We had only one rabbit. It was too cold to swim so I led Peter to the best fishing spot. Peter marveled at my talent for fishing. I always caught the most and all we used were sticks with a bit of twine and a homemade hook. I couldn’t explain how I knew where the fish were or just when to yank them out of the water. I just knew, the same way Rosa knew.

  We slowly walked back to town, we would sell our rabbit, but there wouldn’t be candy today and our fishing trip hadn’t lasted that long. Most of the trees had lost their leaves already. Peter was still very quiet, and I had that funny pinching feeling in my stomach but I couldn’t explain why.

  We walked by Smith’s, but Victoria was helping customers, so she didn’t see us. Peter seemed gloomier than ever; the dark sky matched our mood. Rosa was the only one who was untroubled of us three; she had her fish and happily trotted behind us.

  We reached the kitchen door and went in only to run into Mr. Joclav. He looked greasier than ever. “Boys!” he boomed, glaring out into the street behind us, I was scared he saw Rosa, “How was your learning today? You don’t want to let your mother down. She worked hard for you today,” he sneered and walked away. Miss Kate was there to take our fish and she watched him go, her eyes narrowing as he stomped through the kitchen.

  “I’ll take these,” she said, taking the fish from hand. “You boys stay outta his way—he’s in a mean one tonight. I’ll take care of your dinner and eat with ya. We can talk about our day.” She seemed worried, quieter than normal and ignored us when we asked about our mother.

  That pinching feeling was in my stomach again. I had no idea why I felt that way, so I checked on Rosa. She was there, safely eating her fish. When I shut the door, I saw Mr. Joclav, watching from across the kitchen and, this time, I knew he had seen Rosa. He leaned against the wall and put his hands in his pants pockets, narrowing his eyes at me. Peter was very strong and ignored him even though I knew he was wondering why Mr. Joclav was suddenly so interested in us. We had never had the misfortune of running into him since our first day here.

  Miss Kate took a long while, longer than normal, getting our dinner. I could hear Peter’s stomach over mine which was loudly demanding food. Mr. Joclav watched us the entire time with focused eyes, daring us to make some sort of trouble. Finally, I heard Miss Kate’s small quick steps returning and Mr. Joclav silently walked away. She also noticed Mr. Joclav leave. Mama remained absent from the kitchen.

  Miss Kate finally brought our tray over and quietly said, “I’ll be eating with ya boys tonight. We will go to your mother in just a little while, she’s restin’ right now. Tell me about school.” She said all this in her usual New York accent but much slower and quieter than normal and she never met our eyes. Peter looked at me very worried, we had never known Mama to rest.

  “Where is Mama then, in our room?” Peter’s voice was authoritative, even demanding. I had never heard him speak to an adult like that before. I looked to Miss Kate, and when she didn’t answer, I looked back to him. Peter stared very hard at Miss Kate, willing her to answer.

  Looking to the food, she said, “Peter, Jurak, I will help you and I will help your mother, but, for now, let’s just eat. Then, I will take you to her.” Peter looked very angry and I knew my own eyes were wide with fear.

  Miss Kate pointed to our food, willing us not to argue. We ate, but I hardly tasted the food that night. Miss Kate tried to rally us around, she remarked on how good our fish tasted and how soft the bread was. We didn’t answer, and I wondered what Mama would eat.

  Finally, Miss Kate took our tray away and we watched as she scrubbed each dish. None of us noticed Mr. Joclav return. Miss Kate started when she turned around and saw his dark outline against the wall. Her hand went to her heart. He liked scaring her like that. He didn’t say a word nor stop us when she led us from the kitchen. Miss Kate led us to the second floor and to the left. We had never been to this part of the building before. It was still full of people but felt warmer than our own hallway. Peter pointed out we were right above the kitchen and going the wrong way to our room.

  “Mr. Joclav moved you today, and your new room is over this way. Your mother is already there,” Miss Kate explained. I wondered why she hadn’t said this before; after all, a move was a big deal. Then, I wondered why we were moved.

  “Well, why didn’t you tell us before now? Why didn’t Mama wait for us to help her? We ain’t got much, but it took all three of us carrying it here.” Again, Peter sounded much older than his years, and again Miss Kate ignored him. My stomach pinched tight again.

  She led us down to the very end, proving Peter was right; we were right above the kitchen—I could hear the clatter of dishes. Miss Kate softly knocked on our new door and opened it about halfway.

  The room looked much like our other one. There was a bed and a window, but this one had something metal beneath the window. I didn’t know what it was. I looked back around to the bed looking for our mama.

  Mama was lying in our bed, and Miss Vicki was sitting near her. She was speaking low and gently to our mama.

  “Just a bit more, Kat, just a bit more, then you can rest. Kate took care of your boys, and they’re here now, nice and warm.”

  “Joclav,” muttered our mother, so low we could hardly hear a
s she ate a bit more from the offered spoon. Miss Vicki stood up. She looked us over and thanked Miss Kate who left quickly.

  “Your mama is a little bit sick, but she will be better in a few days. In the meantime, I will take care of her. You boys need to behave extra good. I found her trying to carry your belongings outside your old door. She was in a state, but I cleaned her up best as I could. She was worried about you two but hasn’t really told me what happened. She is in pain. Thankfully, there are no broken bones.”

  Miss Vicki’s voice became even quieter and more serious. Peter and I leaned in to hear what she was saying. “Now, you two stay out of Mr. Joclav’s way, no matter what your mama says in her sleep or in this fever. Promise me you will stay away from him. If you see him in your hall, don’t look too much at him. If he talks, look down and nod. Answer if you must but please, stay away from him.” She was wiping her cheeks as she spoke.

  We looked over to our mama. Her forehead was wet and her hair swept away from her face, she was shivering even in the blankets and our room warm as it was. Instinctively, I looked out the window for Rosa, how would she know of our move? She was there, though I never understood how she’d knew where to find us.

  I heard Peter begin to cry as he asked what happened to our mama. I looked closer, her face was bruised all over and her lip was badly cut with eye was swollen completely shut. Miss Vicki explained, “Perhaps she fell down the stairs as she tried to move your things. I am just not sure. I have taken care of her though and I swear she will be fine in just a few days. Let her rest and if she needs anything, you come find me. Now promise me once more, you will stay away from Mr. Joclav, no matter what.” I glanced at Peter who was already nodding, so I nodded too. Miss Vicki left.

  There was nothing for Peter and me to do. We carefully climbed into the bed next to our poor mother. Instead of her wrapping us in her arms, we wrapped ours around her. I put my hand ever so softly to her cheek and whispered, “I love you, Mama.” I don’t know if she heard me or not because she never answered.

  The morning light made her face look even worse. We were unused to waking with her next to us and we were a bit unsure what to do. Her one eye opened a crack and she said, “You boys run along to school; I will be better by the time you get back.” I didn’t want to leave her, but Peter was already kissing her cheek goodbye. I looked to the window and saw Rosa sitting there in the sun. I could see the frost behind her but our room was very warm.

  I followed Peter down the stairs and to the kitchen. Miss Kate seemed to be back to normal and fussed over our breakfast. I could taste the sugar again. She patted me on my head as Peter and I left. This time, Rosa didn’t follow us to school. I didn’t have to wonder why—I knew she was watching over Mama.

  Even with Mama unwell, Peter and I left the schoolyard at noon to fish and check our traps. Our traps were full, which seemed to brighten Peter’s day. We would get two pennies today for our work. I hoped Peter would buy at least one piece of candy but wasn’t sure. I knew he was trying to save for at least one pair of shoes. We caught three good-sized fish and headed back a little earlier than our normal time. Rosa stayed away the entire time.

  Peter led the way to the old woman who paid him, happy to see our good catch. I didn’t notice until I heard the trolley that we hadn’t gone by Smith’s. I wasn’t too disappointed even though root beer candy had sounded good all day. I wanted to check on our mother.

  Rosa was at the kitchen door waiting to greet me. I gave her part of my fish since I hadn’t caught her one of her own. I patted her while she purred her thanks. I loved her so much and even more for watching our mama that day. Peter took the fish from me and went inside. I stayed outside a bit longer. I thanked Rosa softly and scratched her around the chin and ears, just the way she liked.

  Miss Kate made our dinner but didn’t eat with us. Instead, she kept one fish to the side, for Mama she told us and took another tray to Miss Vicki to bring to Mama. After we were finished, we left our tray, and I followed Peter to our new room on the second floor.

  We could hear Miss Vicki as we got to the top of the stairs, “Leave, just leave her alone, allow her to rest and get well enough to work. Just leave.” We had never heard Miss Vicki speak quite that way to anyone before and my stomach got that pinch of reality right in the pit. I knew, without seeing whom she was talking to. I craned my neck and saw, without satisfaction that I’d been right. Mr. Joclav was standing outside our new door.

  He towered over her and for a moment I was afraid he was going to hit her. Instead, he slowly turned and I could see he was not in a jovial mood. Miss Vicki muttered only a few words I could really hear, ‘drunk’ and ‘bastard’ as he stumbled down the hallway, right towards Peter and I. We remembered our promise to Miss Vicki the prior night and we dropped our eyes as that terrible man drew near. Peter’s hands were in tight fists. When he edged by us, Mr. Joclav whispered, “Ask her. Ask her if it was worth it to make her boys warm.”

  Peter and I kept our promise even though we were both shaking. I was afraid and angry. I hated Mr. Joclav and I knew it was him who had hurt our mama.

  Christmas

  It was cold. Peter and I walked to school and were cold. The fields were cold and our fishing hole was cold. I was so cold after we left the school I wanted to go right back. Miss Fink kept that building warm. It was made warmer as the windows frosted over, creating beautiful crystals between us and the outside. Peter still led us away each day but Rosa refused to follow us out of town. I wanted to follow her home and I finally got the courage to tell Peter how I felt.

  “Peter, I don’t want to go every day anymore. It is too cold and besides, our traps are empty most of the time,” I pointed out that last bit very logically. “We could check the traps after school once or twice a week and still pay for Mama’s Christmas present. Please, Peter. Let’s stop leaving the warm every single day.”

  Peter was cold though he never complained. He walked quickly with his hands stuffed into his pockets. He never threw snow like the other kids and he grew very angry if any was thrown at us. He drew his collar up over his face as far as it would reach and kept his head down against any breeze. He glared at my suggestion, but I made up my mind. I wasn’t going every day anymore as long as it was winter.

  The next day, right at noon, Peter stood up as if to leave. He looked around for me to follow but I stayed seated. He glared hard at me and headed out on his own. My stomach had that pinching feeling but I too, had made up my mind. Miss Fink watched him leave, glancing at me. Rosa didn’t follow him either.

  All afternoon, I worried about Peter, thinking that I should have followed him. I never walked home alone and the thought of it made me nervous. I wondered where Peter had gone while I sat and stared at my reader all afternoon. I was the first one out when Miss Fink finally released us. I was glad I was warm but it had been a long afternoon. Rosa followed at my heels and as ready as I was to find Peter.

  I was surprised to find Peter waiting for me at the end of the schoolyard. He never spoke, just led the way through the fields. I loved my brother more than anything that day. It was I who abandoned him, yet he came back for me. He was a good big brother.

  We checked our traps and were happy to find two rabbits. Their carcasses steamed in the cold as Peter cleaned them. We made our way to the creek and broke the thin ice that covered our fishing hole. Rosa refused to get onto the ice. I was happy it took no time at all to catch four fish. Peter cleaned those too, and I noticed their guts didn’t steam like the rabbits had. Rosa licked her chops as I handed her a fish, and we took our catch back to town.

  I hunkered down near the building while Peter talked to the old woman. He pocketed the coins, and we quickly walked to our building. Rosa stayed close but I could tell she wanted to run from the wind that was picking up. I wanted to run too but I was already out of breath from the cold wind. Finally, finally, we reached our building. Peter opened the backdoor, and Rosa took off. I was relieved to be home.
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br />   Mama fried our fish and, as the three of us ate, told us, “Boys, tomorrow begins your Christmas break.” Peter and I had never heard of a Christmas break. Papa worked every day except Sundays, Christmas or not. In this place, Mama worked every day, even Sundays.

  “Schools close for a week to celebrate the holidays. Teachers go home to see their families and since there is no teacher, no students can go either. We will go to church on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.” Peter made a face; church wasn’t any better than school. I didn’t make a face but I agreed with him.

  It was the day before Christmas Eve and a Monday, so it was wash night. Mama told us that was good luck, everything lined up nicely for a good break, a good start to the holidays. I didn’t feel like washing, though. I was tired from the cold and though our building was warm, I didn’t want to get wet and cold. I followed Mama without arguing though. Peter and I never argued with her, not once in all the time since we had moved.

  We scrubbed and washed till we were clean. I had been right—it was cold after washing. We helped Mama hang our wash. I got into bed, but Mama stayed out. She collected our new things and neatly lined them up for tomorrow. She brushed our coats off, making sure the wool was dust free. She wiped our shoes off with a soft cloth till they gleamed in the soft light. I fell asleep contentedly listening to her rustling around.

  Christmas was a big deal in our building that year. The next morning, I followed Peter down to the kitchen then outside and up the street. We had a present to collect and we were very excited. The pin seemed prettier than when we had first found it. Victoria informed us we had change and showed us a new flavor of candy. Peter bought three.